Uganda has a few billionaires who have amassed their wealth through various means, such as starting businesses, getting government contracts, receiving direct cash injections from the government, and building real estate empires. However, some of these billionaires are not as successful as they appear to be. They often face financial troubles due to their extravagant lifestyles, poor management skills, and inability to repay their loans. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions and selling off some of their assets, they resort to legal loopholes, political connections, and public sympathy to try and get out of their debts. They also blame everyone else for their problems, such as the banks, the courts, the media, the foreign investors, the tribes, and even the government that helped them in the first place. Today we examine the reality of most Ugandan billionaires.
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How to Become a Billionaire in Uganda (and Stay One)
Do you want to become a billionaire in Uganda? Do you want to live a lavish lifestyle with mansions, apartments, hotels, and arcades? Do you want to enjoy the perks of being rich and powerful without having to worry about paying your bills? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then this blog is for you. Here are the steps you need to follow to become a billionaire in Uganda (and stay one):
Start a business and achieve initial mild success. It doesn’t matter what kind of business you start, as long as it makes some money and attracts some attention. You can sell anything from bananas to boda bodas (motorcycle taxis) to beauty products. Just make sure you have a catchy name and a catchy slogan for your business. For example, you can call your banana business “Banana Republic” and your slogan can be “We peel for you”. Or you can call your boda boda business “Boda Boda Express” and your slogan can be “We ride for you”. Or you can call your beauty product business “Beauty Queen” and your slogan can be “We make you shine”.
Achieve massive success from dubious government contracts. Once you have established your business and gained some popularity, it’s time to take it to the next level. You need to get some government contracts that will boost your income and reputation. It doesn’t matter if you have any experience or expertise in the field that you are bidding for, as long as you have some connections and some bribes. You can get contracts for anything from road construction to electricity supply to health care delivery. Just make sure you overcharge the government and under-deliver the services. For example, you can get a contract for road construction and charge the government $1 million per kilometer of road, but only build half a kilometer of road with potholes and cracks. Or you can get a contract for electricity supply and charge the government $10 million per megawatt of power, but only provide half a megawatt of power with frequent blackouts and surges. Or you can get a contract for health care delivery and charge the government $100 million per hospital bed, but only provide half a hospital bed with no mattress or pillow.
Get even more success from a direct cash infusion from the government. After you have secured some government contracts and made some profits, it’s time to get even more money from the government. You need to get some direct cash infusion from the government that will increase your wealth and influence. It doesn’t matter if you have any need or justification for the money, as long as you have some friends and some favors. You can get money from anything from budget allocations to stimulus packages to bailouts. Just make sure you don’t pay any taxes or account for any expenditures. For example, you can get money from budget allocations by lobbying the parliament or the president to allocate some funds for your business or your sector. Or you can get money from stimulus packages by claiming that your business or your sector is affected by the pandemic or the recession or the locusts or whatever crisis is happening at the moment. Or you can get money from bailouts by claiming that your business or your sector is too big to fail or too important to ignore or too strategic to neglect.
Enjoy great wealth by building mansions, apartments, hotels & arcades. After you have gotten some money from the government, it’s time to enjoy your great wealth by building mansions, apartments, hotels & arcades. You need to show off your success and status by constructing impressive properties that will awe and envy everyone who sees them. It doesn’t matter if you have any demand or occupancy for them, as long as you have some land and some loans. You can build anything from mansions to apartments to hotels to arcades. Just make sure you use the most expensive and extravagant materials and designs. For example, you can build a mansion with 100 rooms, 50 bathrooms, 10 swimming pools, 5 helipads, and a golf course. Or you can build an apartment complex with 1000 units, each with a balcony, a jacuzzi, a sauna, and a fireplace. Or you can build a hotel with 500 rooms, each with a king-size bed, a plasma TV, a minibar, and a massage chair. Or you can build an arcade with 1000 games, each with a coin slot, a joystick, a button, and a prize.
Get loans to expand, but really just blow the money. After you have built some properties and enjoyed some luxury, it’s time to get some loans to expand your business and your empire. You need to get some loans from banks or other lenders that will enable you to grow and diversify your portfolio. It doesn’t matter if you have any collateral or repayment plan for them, as long as you have some assets and some promises. You can get loans for anything from buying more land to acquiring more businesses to investing in more projects. Just make sure you don’t use the money for what you borrowed it for, but rather just blow it on more extravagance and indulgence. For example, you can get a loan for buying more land and use it to buy a private island or a game reserve or a national park. Or you can get a loan for acquiring more businesses and use it to buy a football club or a media house or a casino. Or you can get a loan for investing in more projects and use it to fund a political campaign or a religious crusade or a musical concert.
Struggle to pay off the loans. After you have gotten some loans and blown some money, it’s time to struggle to pay off the loans. You need to struggle to pay off the loans that are accumulating interest and penalties and threatening to ruin your reputation and your empire. It doesn’t matter if you have any income or savings to pay them off, as long as you have some excuses and some delays. You can struggle to pay off the loans by anything from negotiating with the lenders to restructuring the debt to defaulting on the payments. Just make sure you don’t sell off any of your assets or reduce any of your expenses. For example, you can struggle to pay off the loans by negotiating with the lenders to lower the interest rate or extend the grace period or forgive the principal. Or you can struggle to pay off the loans by restructuring the debt by consolidating multiple loans into one loan or converting short-term loans into long-term loans or swapping debt for equity. Or you can struggle to pay off the loans by defaulting on the payments by missing the deadlines or bouncing the checks or declaring bankruptcy.
Instead of selling off some of the accumulated assets, try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities. After you have struggled to pay off the loans, it’s time to try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities. You need to try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities that will protect your assets and your empire from being seized or auctioned by the lenders or the courts. It doesn’t matter if you have any moral or ethical qualms about doing so, as long as you have some lawyers and some loopholes. You can try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities by anything from challenging the validity of the contracts to claiming immunity from prosecution to filing injunctions against enforcement. Just make sure you don’t admit any wrongdoing or liability or responsibility. For example, you can try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities by challenging the validity of the contracts by alleging fraud or coercion or mistake. Or you can try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities by claiming immunity from prosecution by invoking parliamentary privilege or diplomatic immunity or presidential pardon. Or you can try to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities by filing injunctions against enforcement by arguing irreparable harm or public interest or national security.
Use your connections in government to try and get a bail out. After you have tried to weasel out of your obligations using legal technicalities, it’s time to use your connections in government to try and get a bail out. You need to use your connections in government to try and get a bail out that will rescue your business and your empire from collapse and bankruptcy. It doesn’t matter if you have any contribution or benefit for the public good, as long as you have some friends and some influence. You can use your connections in government to try and get a bail out by anything from lobbying the executive to influencing the legislature to manipulating the judiciary Just make sure you don’t disclose any conflict of interest or corruption or nepotism For example, you can use your connections in government to try and get a bail out by lobbying.
Wrtten by;
Mugerwa Joseph
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